STATE OF THE UNION You know, yer old pal Jerky has parodied the State of the Union address three out of the last four years Preznit Dubya has given it, and quite frankly, I don't feel like doing it anymore. I can't bring myself to watch the fucking thing this year, because the mere sight of that shit-sucking weasle is enough to make my guts dry-heave in reflexive convulsions of uncontrolable, disgusted rage. Besides, they're pretty much always the same shit in a different bedpan anyway, so I figured I could get away with running the last three installments instead of writing a new one. Then I remembered, they're way too fuckin' long to run all at once. So I decided to pick the best one (my favorite, anyway), and simply provide links to the other two (you'll find them here and here). Enjoy. - Jerky *** **** *** Thank you Mister Speaker, woofers, tweeters, freedomites, libertines, Lucifer, Beelzebub, and anyone who isn't watching American Idol right now. It's a pleasure to be here tonight, delivering the fifth of what I hope will be my eight State of the Union addresses. We're almost halfway there! Ouillah! (applause) A lot's happened since the last one, and I'm pleased to report that I have been able to keep all the promises I made in 2004. I put an end to Third World sex tours. I cut steroid abuse in half. And, for the first time in nearly a hundred years, NASA has landed a man on Mars. I'm sure you'll agree, there's a lot for me to be proud of. (applause) To those of you who chose to dip your fingers in purple ink before coming here tonight, I have a message: Don't try to shake my hand after I'm done up here. Just smile and wave. And to the new, democratically elected leaders of Afghanistan, Palestine, Ukrainia, and Iraq, I have another message: You owe us, big-time! (woot-woot-woots) Ladies and menfolk, with our 'conomy doing so awesome, more jobs going back to work, and a whole new batch of Liberation Wars ready to roll, I am pleased to report that the state of our union is healthy, wealthy and strong! ("Praise Jesus!" "Amen!") As I said, the 'conomy is in the best shape it's ever been. Things are so good, even black folks are buying houses. But just like the mighty shark, if the 'conomy stops moving, it drowns. That's why I'm gonna gut all non-essential programs -- such as education and healthcare -- while making my tax cuts permanent, under penalty of death. The principle here is clear: Taxpayer dollars must be funneled into my contributors' Swiss bank accounts, or nowhere at all. (applause) We must prepare future generations for the jobs of the 21st century. By applying free market logic to our public schools, the No Child Left Behind Act guarantees that every high school diploma is a ticket to success. And to all the mediocre students out there, who are forced to drop out so their bad grades don't threaten their school's funding, I would like to remind you that there are some great opportunities for redemption to be had in the United States military. (cheers, applause) By now, it's an accepted fact that manufacturing, software development and customer service have joined crop-work and nannying as employment beneath the dignity of the American worker. That's why small businesses and e-Bay are so important to the future prosperity of America's non-investing classes. And this is why we must abolish junk lawsuits by revoking frivolous regulations, because you can't be sued for breaking rules that don't exist… especially rules about asbestos. (applause, cheers) Another thing we need to do is produce more energy here at home. It's time Congress passed my Clear Skies legislation, which will reduce pollution, cure cancer and stamp out clinical depression, so help me God. Then and only then can we afford to start thinking about ethanol, corn-o-hol, motors that run on rainbows and all that other hippy bullshit. (applause) This year, I will fix our immigration system. We should not have to worry about foreign guest workers overstaying their welcome. They should submit to a rigorous screening process on arrival, and go back home just as soon as they're done working. America's precious minimum wage jobs must be preserved for Americans! (applause) Two great challenges face us today. The first is fixing Social Security. This extravagant, liberal entitlement program is in deep crisis. The only way the government will be able to keep its word in the future is if we break some promises, today. FDR would have wanted it that way. And even though I really don't understand the math, I'm just the man to do the job. (applause) But I have a message for every American who is 55 or older: don't let the liberals trick you. For you, the Social Security system will not change. As for everybody under 55… God bless America! (wild cheers, applause) Our second challenge is making sure liberal bias activist agenda judges don't turn our children into atheistic, homosexual pagans. The best way to do that is by stacking the judiciary with the kind of patriotic conservative activist judges who appointed me Preznit in the first place, thereby putting God back in the White House for the first time in nearly twenty years. (shrieks of horrible ecstasy, babbling in tongues) For the good of families, children, domesticated animals and freedom itself, we must enshrine our collective, righteous homophobia in our sacred Constitution. If queers wanna get hitched, let'em find a nice girl to do it with, like the rest of us. You can't get more equal than that! (cheers, applause) We should all be able to agree on some ethical standards. We must protect the embryo, in both womb and test tube, so that it's never grown for science experiments, or aborted for entertainment or sexual gratification. (applause) One way to increase public support for the values we hold dear is to continue to fund faith-based community groups that bring hope to harsh places. That way, those people thrust into poverty by my domestic policies will get the chance to enter into a relationship with their potential Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ. Either that, or they can starve. They get to choose. And that's freedom. (applause) At home and abroad, the enemies of freedom are on the run. Working with our few remaining allies, we have thinned the ranks of al Qaeda and rid the world of the Taliban. But make no mistake; we are still in grave danger. To paraphrase FDR, the only thing we need to fear is the next New Pearl Harbor. (ominous mutterings) As I gaze out upon the world tonight, one thing is clear to me. Freedom is on the march. And that's important, because freedom is the only path to liberty. And the only way to bring the Almighty's gift of liberty to those parts of the world where freedom does not reign is by liberating them with a good-size dose of freedom. And that's what we aim to do, from Morocco to Jordan to Bahrain… and most especially Syria and Iran. To all our dusky friends, hunkering down with your camels in your modest desert huts, I have a message: Soon, you too will be able to choose between voting in dangerous, sham elections, or having your food credits revoked. Hallelujah! Let freedom reign! (thunderous ovations) Many brave American soldiers have sacrificed their lives, limbs, internal organs, senses and sanity in the War on Terror. I figure the least I can do is to take a moment now and pretend like I give a shit. Uncle Dick didn't like my idea of digging up a freshly killed soldier and thanking him in person, so instead, we invited his parents. They assure me that it was their son's great ambition to die in a poorly-planned war of imperial conquest that is doomed to failure. Stand up and let the people at home get a good look at you, folks! (the sound of angels weeping) I thank you, I thank your dead son, I thank the American people, and I thank Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who once reminded Americans: "Each age is a dream that is dying, or one that is coming to birth." I don't know what that means, exactly, but it's the thought that counts. God bless you all! Novo Ordo, uber alles! Don't forget to tip your waiter! Preznit Dubya CEO United States of American Christendom Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 30 The first ever jazz record -- Dark Town Strutter's Ball -- is recorded on this day in 1917. Reefer madness and wanton miscegenation ensue. This day in 1922 was the first ever World Law Day. Hooray for laws! German President von Hindenburg appoints Adolf Hitler chancellor on this day in 1933. The mustachio'd madman quickly sets about expending political capital in the service of his mandate. You thought the Titanic was a disaster? On this day in 1945, the German cruise liner Wilhelm Gustloff is torpedoed by a Soviet sub. It was headed westward at the time, in order to escape the surging Soviet advance, and was jam-packed with over ten thousand people -- men, women and children -- non-combatant refugees of war. An incredible nine thousand three hundred and forty three people died in the freezing Baltic that night, making it the single worst catastrophe at sea in the history of maritime travel. And, if you're anything like the twenty-odd random people I've asked today, this is probably the first time you've ever heard about it (unless you read about it in previous Dirts). Pretty freaky, huh? On this day in 1948, Indian spiritual and political leader Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi is assassinated by a Hindu fanatic who objects to the Mahatma's tolerance of Muslims. Thank you, Vishnu! And, finally, also on this day -- only in the year 1956 this time -- some pillars of the community drive out to Ghandi-fan Martin Luther King Jr's home... and fire-bomb it. Thank you, J. Edgar Hoover! On this day in 1972, a sunny Sunday in Londonderry, Northern Ireland, thirteen unarmed Catholic civil rights demonstrators are massacred by British Army paratroopers in an event that becomes known as Bloody Sunday, or Sunday, Bloody Sunday to fans of peat-eating bog-rockers Ewe Too. Since 1969, sectarian conflicts in Northern Ireland have claimed more than 3,000 lives. Thank you, Jeebus! On this day in 1976, soon-to-be-vice-president George Herbert Walker Bush is appointed by then-president Gerald Ford to head up the CIA. Despite evidence that he had been a CIA agent since before the Bay of Pigs fiasco, Bush has claimed he never worked for the agency prior to his appointment. Yeah... Right.

THEY SAID IT! "Nonsectarianism. Neutrality. Those old myths that always try to seem new. Have you ever bothered to think how absurd it is to leave one's Catholicism aside on entering a university, or a professional association, or a scholarly meeting, or Congress, as if you were checking your hat at the door?" - So said "Saint" Josemaría Escrivá, founder of the fascist-mystical Opus Dei cult, of which newly minted Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito Jr. is almost certainly a member. *** **** *** "Watergate wasn't just about breaking into the Democratic headquarters. What they were trying to cover up is the fact that Nixon had decided to create a secret police. There was no legal authority to spy on US citizens. He felt he had enemies everywhere, so he created a program called CoIntelPro." - Frank Zappa (1940-1993), who knew that most political lessons are forgotten before they're even learned.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Some White Guy! New Home Theater System: $2600 63 Inch Plasma Screen TV: $9999 The look on credit card company's face when I file for bankruptcy protection: PRICELESS! *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Jack for sending in today's second joke. Nina: "Oh Jill. This new guy I'm dating is sooooo romantic. Every time he speaks to me, he begins by saying 'Fair Lady'." Jill: "Romantic my ass! Don't you know he used to be a bus driver?!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Javaid sent in today's groaner, which is probably the worst lawyer joke I've ever seen. And I've seen them all. Judge: Paul, you are charged with being a penniless bookkeeper who stole a lot of money from your firm. Do you understand the severity of this charge? Paul: Yes, sir. I could go to prison for twenty years. Judge: Then why are you representing yourself? Paul: Because every lawyer I spoke to refused to take my case. Judge: Which can only mean you are innocent of the crime. Case dismissed.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: PARALLEL STORIES care of: Ann O'Nymous Students were assigned to read 2 books, Titanic and My Life by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report: Titanic: $29.99 Clinton: $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill. Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica... ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary... basically the same thing. [Hmmm... Bill Clinton and Titanic. Did you just step out of a time machine or what? That was seven fucking YEARS ago! People born back then are 1/3 of the way towards being legally allowed to purchase alcohol! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOPJ, You think Southern Comfort and Diet Dr. Pepper is GAY??? Yea, I guess kinda. But that along with cutting out alot of other useless calories helped me lose 30 pounds since September. Only diet soda I can stand. If the fat don't get ya the aspartame will. Still my favorite every day read even though you made the "gay" shot. Your devoted "NOT GAY" reader. scoot [I didn't say you were gay, I said your drink of choice was gay. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, So, dude... seriously... WTF is a podcast? It all sounds very 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers' to me. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say it was something that fell outta Bush's ass...hatched...and was given the name Stephen Harper. Tuscarora [Wikipedia answers all! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Kinky Friedman's campaign ad for Governor of Texas doesn't look like any campaign ad you've ever seen. Now at least there's one good reason to live in Texas. Trembly Dale [Another novelty candidate? Great. That's just what the doctor ordered. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey, speaking of semi-crappy film stuff: good to see someone finally let you know about Princess. I'm not sure who's further behind the curve: you, or Nokia with their big "Hello" to 1990 by finally releasing a flip phone. CT [I have no idea what that is. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I was watching the press conference yesterday with Don Bumsfeld and listening very closely to his answers. At one point he said that so and so (the commander of the navy I believe) has SEEN a broken army. He SAW it right after Vietnam. Wonder why. He then went on to explain why they have started to build up the armed forces in the past five years because of that experience. That was his exact answer. WOW! Where the fuck do you think this army is headed now in Iraq Mr. Dumbsfeld?! We will see a broken army again if we stay the current path. He is a walking contradiction. YOP, Bob [Stretched preceeds broken, doesn't it? - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I used to believe that the Super Bowl was just a way for Americans to rub their capitalist good fortune in the faces of starving and dying people of Third World countries, but when I saw that Shania Twain performed at the half time show, my spirit was lifted, because I knew Shania is *way* beyond that. Trembly Dale [Indeed. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Mr. Jerky... Randi Rhodes of Air America is a stone fox and I want her in the biblical sense (I wish to begat with her). Contrary to what you want everyone to believe, I know you have all these good looking media chicks phone numbers. I'll give you a THOUSAND DOLLARS for Randi's. Cheers, Andy (PS - Don't tell my would-be wife about this letter) [1-866-303-2270, between 3 and 7 in the afternoon, every weekday. Enjoy! - Jerky] *** **** *** Psst! Hey! Yeah, you... see those idiots back there? They're a morons the lot of them. Sure they're wearing ties and have the look of professionals, but when it comes right down to it they're all just a bunch of overpaid hacks. Jeeezus, I'm carrying this friggin' advertising firm on my back; those three are about as dead-weight as it gets. The two on the left? No original ideas, no innovation, just vacuums for the suit down-center. God damn, I hate these meetings!! The three of them get together, throw food and shred my ideas...I've got a Masters in Liberal Arts, with a sideline Ph.D. in Sociology fer fuck sake!! Those three? Not even the suit goes higher than a B.S. -- in horticulture!!! Friggin' horticulture, dammit! And look at the mess they made on the table. I'll give you one guess who's going to wind up cleaning the conference room when it's all over. J. Sorah [Good night, Cleveland. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com