CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE NOT DEAD! Last weekend, the Pope called on "the young" to behave with "greater chastity," which prompted Father Antonio Rungia, an Italian priest, to publish a pamphlet entitled A User's Guide to Chastity. The modest booklet aims to help teenagers avoid attaining that which they most desperately - and hormonally - desire. To save you the trouble of finding, translating and reading this modern manners guide for yourself, we here at the Daily Dirt have decided to pick and choose the best suggestions and make the following list: The TOP TEN TIPS from the VATICAN SUMMER SEX MANUAL for TEENS! 11. Stay away from Protestants. They're dirty. 10. If you ever get so aroused you think there's no turning back, just think of His Holiness, the Pope, naked, slathered in bacon grease, standing knee-deep in a turtle-shaped pool full of curdled milk. 9. The only time you should ever be down on your knees - your eyes turned upwards in sweet anticipation of the gift of flesh about to be inserted into your wet and willing mouth - is in Church, during Holy Communion. 8. If you're an early bloomer, for God's sake, stay in the house. Better yet, stay in your room. 7. Always remember: Pleasure is the essence of shame, and shame is the essence of faith. 6. Bathroom Etiquette: Boys, no more than two shakes. Girls, one wipe, maximum. 5. Girls: If you wear clothes that reveal any part of your thorax, whatsoever, you're BEGGING to be raped, and you'll have earned it if it happens to you. Boys: Feel free to go topless. Now go run in that fountain over there… yes… in the fountain… 4. Whenever you touch yourself, remember that your grandparents are up in Heaven, looking down on you... crying. 3. Sublimate your primal urges by transferring their energy into an alternative activity, such as Star Trek fandom, round-the-clock prayer, or nervous breakdowns. 2. If you're a teenaged boy, stand well back from clergy of all denominations. 1. On the off chance that the Lord God Almighty should appear before you, wishing to fill your womb with the Holy Spirit so that you may, nine months later, bring forth - after much groaning and stretching of flesh - the earthly manifestation of the Second Coming of our Christ and Savior, ignore all of the above advice. Just relax and go with it.* *Mary was only 16 when she gave birth to Jesus, after all, which means, by our own culture's legal and moral definition… GOD was a PEDOPHILE! And hold on to your hats, folks… it gets worse! Seeing as Jesus, himself, was God, that means their relationship was INCESTUOUS, too! Holy FUCK! I'm gonna get SHOT for figuring this out! *** ***** *** TIME TO GET POLLED AGAIN! Hey folks! Our latest poll results are in, and it looks like most of you are a bunch of goddamn PUSSIES, with 56% of you choosing to be executed by lethal injection - a.k.a. "Riding the McVeigh Highway" - rather than the more manly methods offered up, such as firing squad (26%), electric chair (7%), or hanging (5%). The least popular execution method was the dreaded gas chamber (4%), which means y'all better steer clear of Chateau LeBoeuf on chili con carne Wednesdays! Anyhoo, this poll being over means it's time for a new poll (already?!), and this week, we got a doozy. If you were given the power to heal any one celebrity, which of the following celebrities would you heal? Would it be wheel-chair-bound Superman Christopher Reeve? Or would palsied alcoholic Michael J. Fox be the more likely recipient of your miraculous largesse? Perhaps you would be inclined to raise Richard Pryor from the ranks of the virtually dead... or Hell, maybe you're an Annette Funicello fan who can't stand to see her suffer? Whatever the case, know that YOU ALONE are the final arbiter in this game of life and death! Just go over to www.dailydirt.com and vote, goddammit! VOTE!!! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 12 On this day in 1859, tired of having to look into his wife's spotty, untweezed face while he's fucking her, William Goodale of Massachusetts patents a machine that manufactures paper bags by the hundreds. Problem solved! On this day in the year 1979, America's growing hatred for that dreaded phenomena known as "disco music" reaches its inevitable zenith with the Disco Demolition Riot at Comiskey Park in Chicago. Organized by disc jockey Steve Dahl of WLUP-FM, the Disco Demolition Derby degenerated into chaos during the second game of a double-header, with overenthusiastic disco-haters taking to the fields and lighting a bonfire behind the pitcher's mound… and all in the name of despising disco! Pretty fuckin' sweet, dude! On this day in 1985, doctors discover a cancerous growth in President Ronald Reagan's lower intestine. After excising the tumor, doctors immerse it in a tub full of nutrient-rich spinal fluid and store it in a hermetically sealed hyperbaric chamber under intensely high pressure. When they crack open the chamber 666 days later, Dan Quayle steps out of there, his empty eyes glowing red with otherworldly evil. The rest, as they say, is history. July 13 On this day in the year 1863, a mob of mostly Irish workers, disgruntled with the fact that the government was drafting them to go off and fight a war for the black man, riot in the streets of New York City, burning down entire blocks, shooting cops and lynching blacks all the while. Eventually, the Union army had to be called in. Open fighting in the streets continued until July 16, with a total bodycount of well over one thousand dead… mostly rioters felled by army bullets. And we think WE'VE got it bad! On this day in 1945, in the stark New Mexico desert of Alma Gordo, the first atom bomb is detonated by American scientists. Upon viewing the terrifying, awesome end-result of his team's frenzied research, Dr. Oppenheimer quotes aloud a line from the sacred Hindu text, the Bhaggavad Gita: "I am become death." Others present for the show just laugh and say: "She shore blowed up real good, din'she?!?" It was on this day in 432 B.C. that the Metonic Cycle originated. The Metonic Cycle is a period of 235 lunar months, or about 19 years in the Julian calendar, at the end of which the phases of the moon recur in the same order and on the same days as in the preceding cycle. Whoa, dude! On this day in 1568, obviously inspired by the trippy wonder of the Metonic Cycle, the dean of St Paul's Cathedral perfects a way to bottle beer. Praise the Lord! On this day in 1917, the Virgin Mary appears to three children - Lucia, Jacinta and Francisco - at Fatima, Portugal, giving them three dire predictions - the end of World War I, the start of World War II, and an assassination attempt on the Pope - each of which is only revealed after the dire events come to pass. How conveeeeenient for the Catholic Church! On this day in 1985… Live Aid! It didn't actually do much to help famine victims, but goddammit, it sure made us feel good about ourselves, didn't it? July 14 On this day in 1949, five years and one day after the USA explodes the first atom bomb in the New Mexico desert, the USSR explodes their own first atom bomb in the frigid wasteland of Siberia steppes, thereby sealing our collective doom as a species. You wait and see... yer old pal Jerky's hardly ever wrong about these things! On this day in the year 1966, a maniac by the name of Richard Speck ties up - then slowly kills - 8 student nurses in a Chicago dormitory. Years later, while serving a 400 year prison sentence, Speck would videotape himself snorting mounds of cocaine, sucking his prison-lover's dick, and showing off his disgusting, hormone-therapy-induced man-tits for all the world to see. Everybody who's ever seen Speck's home movies usually ends up agreeing: the death penalty never looked so good. On this day in 1987, Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North concludes his Congressional testimony, during which he produces enough flop-sweat to end the Ethiopian drought and serves up enough baloney to feed every starving African north of the Congo. And what consequences does North face for his treason? He scores a lucrative radio show contract.

THEY SAID IT! "Anyone with a rudimentary familiarity with the history of psychiatry cannot help but be struck by the way that mental disorders come and go. Conditions like social anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder, gender identity disorder, multiple personality disorder, anorexia, and chronic fatigue syndrome were once seen as rare or nonexistent, then suddenly they ballooned in popularity. This is not simply because people decided to come out rather than suffer alone. It is because all mental disorders, even those with biological roots, have a social component." - Bioethicist Carl Elliott explains why he was, at first, worried that publishing his story about amputee wannabes - people who want to have one or more limbs surgically removed, "just because" - in The Atlantic Monthly might lead to more cases of people chopping off their bits and pieces for kicks. It's a fascinating story. Hit the link! *** *** *** "Neoformalism posits that viewers are active—that they perform operations. Contrary to psychoanalytic criticism, I assume that film viewing is composed mostly of nonconscious, preconscious, and conscious activities. Indeed, we may define the viewer as a hypothetical entity who responds actively to cues within the film on the basis of automatic perceptual processes and on the basis of experience. Since historical contexts make the protocols of these responses inter-subjective, we may analyze films without resorting to subjectivity. According to Bordwell, 'The organism constructs a perceptual judgment on the basis of nonconscious inferences.' What kind of pressure would Metz's description of 'the imaginary signifier' - or Baudry's account of the subject in the apparatus - put on the ontology and epistemology of film implicit in the above two statements?" - Believe it or not, this was the first question from a fourth-year final exam in "Film Theory" at the University of California, Santa Barbara. That be some crazy shizznit!

JOKES! Today's first jokes were sent in by our old pal Russ Austwick... Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute? A: Keep the tip! Q: What do you call a well-hung Irishman? A: Miles O'Toole! *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Anthrax TDB for sending in today's second joke. In a small town in the middle of Georgia, there was a preacher who had a big beautiful church. Every Sunday, the pastor preached his sermon from memory. One Sunday morning he forgot his sermon, just as he got to the pulpit. He looked out to his congregation and said, "To days sermon will be sin. But, before I start, I want all the thieves, robbers, grand larcenist, pick-pocketers, burglar's midnight robbers, and extortionists to move to the left. In the middle I want all the whores, prostitutes, ladies of the evening, whoremongers, and pimps. To the right, I want all the dope users, dope pushers, drug dealers, drug smugglers, and drug buyers. The church congregation got up to move to there respect spot. When they all settle, one man was still standing. So, the preacher said "Son why haven't you move?" The man said "Pastor you haven't call my sin." "What is your sin?" the preacher asked. The man said "Pastor... I like little boys." The preacher looked up in the sky with his hand on chin. Then he looked around. Then he looked in each section for a particular place. Finally, he said, "Son, come on up here in the pulpit with me!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Two years ago, I swore up and down that I would never run another joke sent in by Gevork2000. I am now breaking that promise to myself by running this shitty joke. A couple bought themselves a squirrel pet. Once they went and locked it up in the closet. In the night a thief penetrated into their house, but having heard the owners' car coming in, he hid in the closet.They came,undressed and went to bed. But in the middle of the night they were waked up by a scream. The husband opened the closet to see the man squirming on the floor. He picked up on the picture, bound him tightly and asked what made him holler so shrill. "When your fucking squirrel took my ass for a hollow -I held out,when it took my balls for nuts-I gritted my teeth,but when it decided to carry the nuts into the hollow i cracked up."

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hi Jerky, I told a bud who happens to be Sarah Jessica Parker´s fan about her appearance in a different sort of role, you had it previously in "celebs" department, all naked. Where could I find this cover page again to prove I´m right? Signed: Andres As far as yer old pal Jerky knows, Sarah Jessica Parker - who famously showers in a parka and ski-doo pants - has never been naked, ever in her entire life. And that goes double for when she's "making love" to her effeminate waif of a vehicular-manslaughtering husband, Ferris Beuller. In fact, according to Parker family legend, on the day of her birth, the Sex in the City starlet slithered out of her mother's vagina wearing a sports bra and a thong. And that's as naked as she's ever been. *** ***** *** Dear Jerky; Bob Hope is now 100 years old. What does Jerky have to say on the subject of Bob Hope? Signed: Richard Dear Richard; Yer old pal Jerky isn't too keen on Bob Hope right now, what with the way he so callously abandoned personnel stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan when they need him most. I mean, sure, he may not remember his own name anymore, his skin may have the translucent appearance and tensile cohesiveness of crumpled wax paper, and his bowels may last have formed feces on their own sometime during the Reagan administration, but that doesn't mean he can't tell the Pentagon to fire up a C-5 Galaxy Transport, rustle a few gals together - Angie Dickensen, Lonnie Anderson, Brooke Sheilds, Connie Seleca - and head on over to those grim and gritty war-zones to help make those fighting mens' lives a little more tolerable. He doesn't even have to write new jokes or anything! He can just recycle the ones he told during Desert Storm! Although their efforts are probably appreciated, George Clooney and Wayne Newton are poor substitutes for the one and only, the original... So come on, Bob! Get with the fuckin' program why doncha?! *** ***** *** MOPJ, Regarding the link to the pic of Mel Blanc’s eulogy, I know how you feel. I first saw that picture frames in a Warner Bros store in Queensland Australia, and for 6 years regretted not buying it. Then I showed it to my wife, and it affected her the same way it affected myself (and apparently you). She bought it for me that Christmas. Is hangs proudly on my home-office wall, and to this day we both use peoples reaction to the picture as a judge of character. If I ever collect art for my walls, I will always display that piece of pop culture proudly. Signed: Aussie in Idaho. Judging from the dozens of feedback letters I've received from Daily Dirt readers on this image which echo our sentiments, I think it's safe to say that it is the finest, most moving single-word eulogy ever produced.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: HOLDING BILL O'REILLEY TO HIS WORD... Care of: Randy He said it then: "And I said on my program, if, if the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it's clean, he has nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush Administration again." - Fox News's Bill O'Reilly, on Good Morning America, March 18, 2003 ...Well? WELL?!? We're all waiting, Mr. O'Reilly. It's now JULY, and no WOMD have been found in Iraq. No nukes, no uranium, no Anthrax, no Sarin gas, nothing. They never even got one fighter plane off the ground. Meanwhile, the Bush Regime is back-pedaling faster and faster as the rats one by one are leaving their stinking ship. They LIED. You LIED. And thousands of people have DIED. We hope you're hungry, Mr. O'Reilly, because it's time to eat some serious crow! Perhaps the families of our dead soldiers could grill it up for you. We're all waiting for your big apology to the nation, and your denouncement of the corrupt and illegal Bush Regime for their war crimes. I'm not exactly holding my breath. Dear Friends: Write NOW to Bill O'Reilly at oreilly@foxnews.com and tell him to put his money where his big mouth is. NO SPIN ZONE, my ass! - Randy

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com